Someone in control

I am hereby apologizing for the length of this post as well as the rambling nature it takes on at the end. Blame the wine.

This weekend my friend Nic came to visit. As we sat at the Budweiser Brewery, munching on pretzels and free samples of delicious, nutritious (there are whole grains in it!) beer, I lamented over a wedding I will be attending in November. This wedding is for my friend from high school, Bear. He and I have known each other for more than half our lives. We went to the same school from middle school on, and up until college graduation, didn’t live more than 20 minutes from one another. His wedding is in the St Louis area. Having said all this, it should be clear I will not be missing this wedding.

Here’s the deal. I do not want to go. Not because of Bear. I am absolutely ecstatic for him. He is great and has a wonderful fiancée, and I will be thrilled to spend their day with them. But here’s the fun part. The guest list is a veritable who’s-who of my list of “People from HomeTown I don’t really want to see.”

There’s the ex-best friend. The one who I have a matching (soon-to-be-covered on my part) tattoos with. The one who I had a pretty tumultuous friendship with there for a while, who I watched treat one of the greatest guys I know like complete shit. The one who said, last time I saw her, that she “missed what we had,” and swore to call and patch things up….and have heard from once since.

There’s THAT friend. The one who I have so many links for that it will take me too long to go back and find them all. The one who still seems to think that I’m the same person I was six years ago. The best way Nic and I could describe our friendship is drama. When he comes to this wedding, he will be on a mid-tour leave from Afghanistan. That place has irrevocably changed him. I am not sure I want to see him, knowing just how different he is going to be, knowing that our friendship is beyond different from what it used to be.

Then, there’s that friend’s mom, who inexplicably removed me from her facebook friends list and never responded to my “um, what?” facebook message. She’s 50. Maybe it’s because I’m not marrying her son? I don’t know. Can’t say that I care anymore. So over it.

And then. There’s him. The ex-boyfriend. The one who still doesn’t deserve a name, unlike the friend above who I just can’t think of one for.

Let’s get one thing clear about this ex. I am not mad at him. Not anymore. It isn’t worth the energy to be angry.

But.

He and I will never again be friends. Ever. Civil, maybe, but never friends. When I think back to being with him, those two years at the end of high school and beginning of college, I cannot, for the life of me, remember being happy with him. Not even a little. This is why with the most recent ex-boy (who I’m going to have to start referring to as Ram because who knows, ex-boy may be needed in the future), I made a point to document the fact that I was happy.

Two years of my life, spent without even one single memory of being 100% happy. That is not ok. And try as I might, I can’t help but relive it when certain situations, like the impending encounter at this upcoming wedding, bring up all those bad memories.

When people ask me about him now, the adjectives I most frequently use are controlling, possessive, and jealous. He was not a nice person and has changed the way I see the world forever. I am jaded and cynical because of him, and though I am trying to be more positive, it is taking a lot of effort. I blame him for breaking my emotional innocence.

We started dating my senior year of high school, back when I thought I knew everything, including what I wanted in a partner. He was the first serious boyfriend that I’d ever had, so logically, I was going to marry him.

Eighteen year old girls are stupid, by the way.

But it was an abusive relationship. Emotionally, mentally, verbally. It never became physical, but I’m about 98% certain it would have. That’s a lot of percent sure for something that serious.

I could not stand up for myself to him. Whatever he wanted? That’s what I “wanted.” And I did what I could to make it happen.

Sound familiar? To maybe something I wrote about a week ago?

Ahhh, segway.

Allow me to digress for just a little longer, just to give you the full scope of what a douche this kid was, even if it has to come to you in a list of some of his more ridiculous traits.

Over the course of our two-year relationship he:

• had to “approve” every single thing I wore, to make sure that it wasn’t too tight or too revealing, claiming that he was doing so because no one else deserved to see what was “rightfully his.”
• got mad at me if I ever listened to anything except country, mostly because he didn’t like anything but country.
• convinced me to not speak to any of my female friends because “we were all each other needed.” There was also that whole he hated my best friend at the time thing, so that worked out well for him.
• accused me of cheating COUNTLESS times for reasons such as:  I mentioned a kid from hall council more than once, or he didn’t like the way I said “thank you” to another guy, or some guy I didn’t know yelled obscenities on the street towards me, or (and this is my favorite), he had a dream about it.
• in arguments, would make me cry, on purpose, because he “had to break me down so that I would understand what he was saying.”
• told me I was too fat, too dumb, too lazy….when I was 5’7” and 115lbs, graduated top ten of my class of 550, and played many sports.
• guilted me into not breaking up with him, twice, by crying and claiming that he couldn’t live without me.
• got me to give up my best guy friend (aka, THAT friend)….for him.

And that’s just a nutshell. I sound WAY too much like a whiny girl when I go into any detail, and trust me, I know this because in this writing right here, I’ve tried….four times. Hello backspace key, are you enjoying your workout this evening?

But, according to him, he did this all in the name of LOVE. Anything he did, even if it hurt me, was all “for my benefit” and “because he loved me so much.”

The thing that still makes me the most angry?

He made me feel like I deserved it. All of it.

Clearly, there are reasons for the way I am today.

Now, allow me to explain something really quickly (Josey, this, ma’am, is for your benefit). There is something to be said for being in love with someone to the point that you feel like you belong to each other. That your lives are just a little more complete now that you’re together. This is not saying that a person’s life wasn’t complete before, but that a piece was added that just finished off the portrait of your life. Like the smile on the Mona Lisa. The painting wouldn’t be the same without that tiny smirk, even though technically it would be complete, just how some people feel their lives wouldn’t be the same without their significant other, even if they would have been just fine without them.

I respect this. I think it is beautiful and lovely when people are able to have this. My parents have this, some of my friends have this, and I think this is great and amazing and something people are LUCKY to find.

However, in the relationship I’ve been describing? I didn’t have it. And nor, I don’t think, did Bella with her vampiric lover in Twilight.

Also, sidenote, does anyone else find it odd that her entire choice was between beastiality and necrophilia? Doesn’t this gross anyone else out?!

The things that bugged me most about Edward were the characteristics he had in common with my ex. Like the fact that when he does something he KNOWS will hurt Bella, it’s out of “love.” Or that he uses that love as leverage to get what he wants, what he knows Bella doesn’t want (see: marriage). That he exploits the fact that she is so in love with him to make her comply with whatever he wants, INCLUDING abandoning her best friend because he’s jealous and thinks he knows best.

Oh man, let me tell you how that one struck a chord. I was there. I did the same thing. I didn’t speak to my best guy friend (or best girl friend for that matter) because it upset my boyfriend. And the few times she, or I, did? The wrath and the anger that followed were a sight to behold. Edward chose following her all the way home and getting mad because “she could have been hurt.” Mine, on the other hand, was an accusation of being unfaithful. Similar anger, different reason.

On top of all this, when Bella is hurt because of Edward, when he leaves, when he breaks her heart and removes himself from her life “for her benefit,” SHE FEELS LIKE IT’S HER FUCKING FAULT. Like she’s the one who isn’t strong enough to be with him, like she could have done something better.

I will be GODDAMNED if ANY daughter, friend, cousin, or sister of mine ever feels like it’s their fault when some prick breaks their heart.

But this? This is what is being taught as normal relationship behaviours to young girls.

That right there is my BIGGEST issue with Twilight.

The core audience for the entire phenomenon (because it is….phenomenal that a writer who really isn’t that good is making a bajillion dollars more than I ever will) is teenage girls. Girls who, like I was at that age, are ignorant and naïve and unaware of what relationships and love are all about. And what’s being taught to them? That it’s ok to have a stalkerish boyfriend. One who will sit there and watch you sleep (CREEPY) before you’ve even officially met him. One who will literally follow your every move, either himself or through his psychic-ish sister’s visions. Stalkers = good in this series. That’s NOT OK. They’re being taught that it doesn’t necessarily matter what you want, that if a guy comes along who you fall for, you should change your ideals and do what HE wants (see: again, marriage at 18, baby that will literally kill you, etc).

I have issues with this. I have so many young female cousins who are right around the target age for these books, and I can’t imagine anything I’d want them reading less, besides Mein Kampf. They need to learn that relationships are about compromise, not doing whatever he wants because he loves you. That someone who claims to love you that much wouldn’t manipulate you, exploit your feelings for him, wouldn’t make you feel guilty for doing what you want to do. He will build you up and encourage you and ignore some of his wants for a while if it’s what you didn’t want to do.

Maybe I’m hyper-sensitive because of my own past experiences, but I don’t think I’m too far off the mark.

But then again. They do wait til marriage to have sex, so I guess it’s all ok in the long run.

Fucking Twilight.