Alive

So here's the deal. I feel feisty. I know, I'm usually on the feisty side of things, but today, damn, I just....I don't know how else to describe it.

Last week was a rough one for me. A really, really rough one. I had zero motivation, didn't give a shit about ANYTHING, would burst into tears at the drop of a hat, things like that. So you know what I did? I put it behind me.

Don't get me wrong. I am still very sad at Kelly's passing, but having moved past the initial shock and absolutely intense agony, every other emotion that was muted has come to light. And those emotions are bright, fiery colors. I'm kind of surprised people don't notice these random bits of color flying out of my ears. That's where I feel like they're coming from. Why? I don't know. Seems like a good place for color to come from without wondering if I have an infection of some sort. Last week threw into blinding clarity just how much I shouldn't take these feelings, these emotions for granted. This right here? This is worth living for.

All of these emotions, the good and the bad, all feel like they're rolled up, just waiting for the right opportunity to come shooting out, not really caring what they touch. Over the course of the day I have felt angry and exhilarated and exhausted and amused and loved and happy and alive. Just knowing that I have all of these emotions, explainable or not, makes me feel ALIVE. It's as though I am tingling with the very thought of still having time to do what I want, to spend my time with those I love, those I care about. I have time still to foster relationships with the incredible people I am fortunate enough to call my friends. I can build on my experiences, making each day fuller, richer. I can. And I will.

Today, I felt angry. I felt angry at the Girl Scouts who insist on making the serving size on the Thin Mint box four cookies, instead of the sleeve sized serving, which is how I eat them anyway. I felt angry at Kelly, even though I know I shouldn't, for putting everyone through this, for thinking there was no other way out. I felt angry that there are people out there who are making MY FRIENDS feel lonely and upset. I felt angry at myself for not putting the Budweiser in the fridge and having to settle for Bud Light.

Today, I felt exhilarated. I felt exhilarated showing off my new favorite picture.

It is exhilarating. Because that picture right there? That picture is happy. I know that I am very new into this, that my raving about him may be premature. But you know what? I want these memories. I look back on past relationships I've had, in particular one really, really bad relationship, and I cannot, for the life of me, remember the good times. I do not remember being happy or loved or comfortable or anything else that is important in a relationship, that I'm already beginning to feel. But I do know this. If everything with him ends up not working out, if it all goes south, I want it to be known that I was, I AM, happy. I do not ever want to doubt that.

Today I felt exhausted. I felt exhausted because, well let's be honest, I spent Friday and Saturday drinking copious amounts of alcohol. It was Boozefest V, the first one I've ever attended, and let me tell you, I will be at every Boozefest from here on out. We drank and we laughed and we played tackle football on the shore of Lake Michigan and we made memories and we took SO MANY pictures that it took almost two full facebook albums to post them all. We spent time not worrying about day to day trials. I got to let go, truly release all the sadness that I had been unable to get rid of up to that point. I got to cuddle up with the boy, and see one of my best friends, and make new friends, and just be young and carefree. And I have proof of it.

Today I felt amused. I was amused looking back over the ridiculous outfits that were worn on my Orlando trip. My mom and I went down there with her four sisters and four of my cousins for a girls' weekend. We went down to run the Disney Princess 5K, and we got an absolutely amazing weekend out of it. My mom has a full recap, and if you care, go check her site out, since this is probably all you'll get out of me about it. Either way, I was amused at the pictures. Look.

Today I felt loved. I felt loved simply by having conversations with people I care about. A partial blogger beer summit, chatting with my mom, making plans with coworkers, emails from DG, facebook friend requests, texts from the boy. That these people take time out of their day just to talk to me makes me feel loved. And there is no greater feeling.

Today I felt happy. I felt happy, and I need no explanation.

Today I felt alive.